Our break didn't last long. The strong desire to have a baby would not let me rest. After 1 month we decided to go ahead and start planning for invitro fertilization. There is a lot that goes into the IVF and for me to sit here and explain it all would seriously put you to sleep. It's a long process. Needless to say I was getting shots in my stomach everyday up until the actually IVF took place and then had to have a shot in my butt every day for several weeks after. Fortunately I have a husband who was more than happy to be the shot giver!
I had to wait 12 days after the procedure took place before they could do a blood test to determine if I was pregnant or not. It was torture! All those months of being let down had me so screwed up I couldn't even get excited about it. I knew why I didn't get my hopes up. It was because I couldn't get excited about something I was doubting would even happen. My pessimism was justified when the day before the test was to take place I started spotting. I was at work and, again, in the bathroom on the floor crying. When I was finally able to get myself under control I asked my Boss if I could leave early. He was very supportive and sent me on my way (but not before telling me that he and his wife had been praying for me!)
My mind immediately jumped to the next step. Adoption. I had already been thinking about it for a while and knew that if the IVF didn't work I wanted to get started right away. The next morning however I woke up, no longer spotting, and with a little ray of hope headed for the doctor to give more blood. (I'm sure I didn't mention this before but there is a LOT of blood given when going through infertility!)
The 7 or so hours I had to wait until they were going to call were the longest hours of my life. Literally. The day dragged on FOR.EV.ER! In the interest of saving myself as much pain as possible I asked the doctor's office to please call my husband with the news instead of me. If it was bad news I wanted him to tell me, not the doctor. If it was good news it would be even sweeter coming from him.
A storm blew in that day and by 4:00 our office decided to close down and send everyone home. I was in my car (I can seriously still remember EXACTLY where I was on the road) when my phone rang and it was him. He told me that there had been an accident on the road and traffic was bad. Here is how our conversation went. (almost word for word)
Him: "I guess there was an accident so the traffic is really bad."
Me: " I know. I'm already on my way home. (my boss) let us go early."
Him: "Guess what?"
Him: "You're pregnant!"
Me: I have no idea what I said after that because I was basically in hysterics! After almost 3 years exactly I was finally going to have a baby!! He told me he had planned on waiting until we were home but when he called to tell me about the traffic he just couldn't wait. The relief, joy, and happiness that swelled inside me at that moment are immeasurable.
Although I was finally pregnant my story doesn't end there. It was a miserable pregnancy. I mean puking my guts out everyday for the first 20 weeks and after finally getting a medicine that worked I was only nauseous for the next 20 weeks instead of throwing up all the time. I endured it all as well as I could just knowing what was on the other end waiting for me.
Imagine my surprise though when at my 30 week appointment my doctor started talking about how the baby is breech and she should be turned by week 36. At 32 weeks she was still breech and at 34 weeks we started talking options. The first thing he mentioned is that they have a procedure where they actually turn the baby from the outside, however there are dangers involved. My gut instinct was that we should not try to turn her and I was surprised when my husband said his gut was saying the same thing. Even though the doc told me she could still turn all the way up to even 38 weeks (sometimes they turn even later!) I knew deep down she was not going to turn and it would be a c-section. Which in the end was no big deal but at the time I was devastated. I had my heart set on a natural delivery. But again, I had my baby so who was I to complain, right?
She was born a healthy, beautiful baby girl and for the first three days life was bliss.
After that things went downhill. See, we didn't get along too well right from the start (not counting the first three days!). We didn't do the nursing thing well, she cried, I cried, and it was just not fun. I know, I know! Who said having a baby is supposed to be all fun?
The reason I include this in my story is because becoming a mom for me didn't end at having a baby. It's been a long journey and it will probably continue to be a long journey. My sweet baby and I didn't have the connection that most moms have with their new babies and it was extremely difficult for us. I had to (and continue to have to) work every day to make our relationship a good one. To make it the one I want it to be. And it's working. Every day we grow closer. And I'm thankful for that. And for her. And I know now why I had to go through everything I did. It was to make me appreciate her more. To be able to look at those tough times and say "you asked for it!" And if I knew then what I know now I would still do it all over again. Because it was worth it.
And 9 months later.....
Surprise!! Baby #2 was on the way! No help needed this time folks!
9 months after that I gave birth to my second baby girl.
I hope my journey isn't over yet. I still stand by what I always said as a little girl. I want to be a mom. Sure sometimes it's tough and sometimes I lose my temper but at least I'm trying. I'm doing what I always wanted to do and I'm trying to do it to the best of my ability.
I hope you enjoyed reading my story. It was an emotional journey for me just to write it and relive all that I felt before. The issue of infertility is very close to my heart and I hope that by sharing my story I will be able to help someone else with theirs. If you or anyone you know would like to talk to someone about fertility please contact me at askthebestme(at)gmail(dot)com! I would love to talk. Also, though my story didn't extend to adoption I know several people who's story has. Go HERE to read Kate's story about adoption.