Monday, March 28, 2011

How I Became A Mom {Part 1}

Motherhood comes in many different ways. This is my story.

2:43 am


I jump out of bed quickly because instinct forces me to. I carefully feel my way through the dark and into her room to find out what she needs.

"I need to go potty."

We take care of business and I tuck her back into bed. I give her a kiss on the forehead and leave the room.

3:29 am

"Momma! Mommy!!"

Have I even gone back to sleep? I glance at the clock to see what time it is. I again feel my way through the dark. I go to her bedside and kneel down to ask what she needs. I get no response. She only groans and tosses around. Nightmare I think to myself. I rub her head hoping to soothe her subconscious. When I'm satisfied she's sleeping soundly again I go back to bed. I lay there in the dark willing myself to go back to sleep as quickly as possible.

6:06 am


I open my eyes and see that it's light. Is this really my wake-up call already? My eyes do not want to stay open and I have to force myself out of bed. I get her and her sister out of bed and lead them down the stairs. I get them a bowl of cereal and turn on the TV hoping against hope it will buy me and extra 20 minutes of sleep. I lie down on the couch and close my eyes. As I drift off to sleep I can't help but think "If only I knew then what I know now....."

As a child whenever I was asked the age old question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" my answer was always the same. "A mommy," I would reply. If you had asked me at age 5, 12, 17, or 20 my answer would have still been the same. It had always been my goal in life to become a mom. Yet there I was after more than two years of trying still dragging my feet about seeing a specialist. I had always used money as my excuse, but that's all it was. An excuse. The truth is I was scared. It had been two very long, tear-filled years. I was depressed, angry {at myself and God}, and hurt. It was as though I was on a cliff just waiting for something to push me over. I was afraid that seeing a specialist might just be the thing that sent me over the edge. What if he told me something was wrong with me? Or with my husband. What if he told me I would never be able to get pregnant? These were the thoughts and questions that kept me from going. It had been my fear all along; that something was "wrong" with me.

I'm not sure what it was that finally made me go. Probably my mom making me me fess up that money wasn't really the issue. {Although it is a very real concern for anyone going through fertility issues. I was very lucky to find out that I had excellent insurance that would pay for almost all of my bills.} Whatever it was, I finally went. I loved my doctor immediately. {I would have highly recommended him to anyone in the Denver area but he has since retired.} He was warm, friendly, and very encouraging. I had worried that he might tell me not to worry yet. That I had come to soon and I should wait a little longer. Two years had already felt like an eternity so I did not want to hear anything even close to "come back later." I had no reason to worry. In fact, her surprised me by saying he wished I had come sooner. He told me specifically that someone my age who is in good health should have no problem conceiving and he would have seen me after only 9 months. {I mention this for anyone who might be struggling with this right now. Do not wait. My family doctor told me it was "normal" and that I should keep trying before I went to see someone. But deep down I knew something was wrong. I should have listened to my inner voice. So my advice to anyone who is struggling is do not wait.}

For the first time in a long time I felt hopeful. It was a relief to be there and I felt my spirits lifting. We started by discussing the possibility of endometriosis. It was a very real possibility considering I had most of the symptoms associated with it not to mention a known cyst on one of my ovaries. We scheduled a surgery to remove the cyst and endometriosis and my doctor sincerely believed that once this was done I would have no problem getting pregnant. He asked me to give it three more "cycles" after the surgery before we moved on to fertility drugs because he was optimistic that I would not need to use them.

After the first cycle came and went I was disappointed. After the second my disappointment grew stronger. When cycle number three came and went I remember I sat down on the floor of the bathroom at work and cried. Hard. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest and I could barely breath. I cried every last tear my body could produce and I wished so badly that my husband was there with me. I needed him to hold me and comfort me and give me the support and sympathy I desperately needed. Instead I had to endure the suffering all alone on the bathroom floor.

When you go through disappointment after disappointment it's hard to let yourself get your hopes up again. I made a special effort to keep my emotions in check because if I got too excited it only made it harder when things didn't work out. Unfortunately when you have a doctor and nurses telling you "you'll have no problem getting pregnant with this" all the time it made it a little hard. I confess I did get very excited when we moved on to Chlomid and an IUI. I wrote in my journal after the first IUI "it seems impossible for me not to get pregnant!" I mentally prepared myself that it would take more than one try so after the first cycle I wasn't too disappointed when I found out I wasn't pregnant. After the second it got harder. I was feeling very depressed again and sometime during these few months I started pulling away from God and my husband. I was bitter and upset and it was easier to be detached. I kept a pretty detailed journal through all of this but after the third cycle of Chlomid I stopped writing almost completely. It was too hard to even write about anymore. After the fourth I wrote "the next step is to do the IVF but we aren't ready for that. I feel like it would be better to hold off for a month or two so I can heal my mentally broken down state before we move on." It had been 2 years and 10 months and I needed a break. I was falling apart.

**Be sure to come back Friday to read my happily ever after. **


Amy said...

Infertility is one of the toughest things I've ever had to endure. My time has been short compared to yours and other women I know but when you want a baby more than you want your next breath each month feels like another 100 years. On the other hand I've learned more in the past year than I did during my entire 18 months as a missionary. It's so true that the harder the trials the greater the blessings. Especially in this case. Maybe that's why infertility is so hard because when overcome (whether in this life or the next) the blessings of a baby are more than amazing than anything else.

Sally said...

I'm glad you decided to share this because I think it's important not only for women who are experiencing the same thing to know what they are feeling is normal, but also for women who have never had to deal with infertility to understand a little better what it is like and how to support frinds or family that may be dealing with it.

Kate said...

Loved reading this. I have friends that tell me they're sad when they don't get pregnant after a few months and then they apologize to me because they think for some reason it shouldn't be hard compared to my situation... but I always tell them, 3 months - 5 years. When you want a baby and you can't seem to get one, it's hard no matter what! It's interesting to read other people's stories. Thanks for sharing yours. and feel free to link back to mine like you wanted!

Camille said...

I don't know how I found your blog but I am glad I have. I was able to get pregnant with one before my endometriosis took over and have gone through much of what you have described. (The emotions and everything) I am excited for the next part to see what the secret for you was. Thanks for sharing

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