I wrote a really great blog post today. I say great, because it was real and honest, and it felt good getting in out. The only problem is I wrote it in my head while I was making dinner. And now it's gone. Of course I still remember what it was about and the emotion of it, but I'm fairly certain that I couldn't recreate it no matter how long I sat here. Maybe it was only meant for me anyway.
I will tell you though that I've had a little bit of a rough week emotionally. There have been no major events to speak of, but I found myself at the end of each day feeling heavy and drained. Usually I blame any and all such feelings on the exhaustion that comes from having a baby, 3 other children, and a husband that works fifteen hours a day. This time it felt different though. It was deep in my core. I owned it.
Then, yesterday, I suddenly knew. It was like someone simply walked up and told me "Your lonely." And it was true.
It's the kind of lonely you feel when your sisters live far away and instead of a weekend shopping trip together you have to settle for a phone call and a "What should I wear with this?'. When even your closest friends are busy moms themselves and all the catching up you can manage is a quick "Hey, how are you?" as you pass each other in the hall at church. When even after you've spent 12 hours with a four year old talking your ear off and asking endless "how come" questions you still feel like you haven't really talked to anyone in ages.
It's like a world full of people, but no one else is really there. Do you know what I'm talking about? Or am I crazy? Don't really answer that. I already know the answer.
So, here is the thing. I don't want to feel lonely anymore. And I am the only person that can change that. It is completely up to me.
No more saying "Hey, we should get together." and then of course never picking up the phone.
No more wishing I just had more time.
No more living so far away from my family. (OK, wishful thinking)
No more being afraid to put myself out there.
One of the main reasons I blog is to feel connected to other women. To feel like I'm not the only one in this crazy circus of motherhood. How can I connect with you though if you don't even know who I am. The real me, not the me that occasionally posts about crafts or recipes, but the me that is having a bad hair month, who has a wart on her chin that absolutely will not go away no matter how many times I burn it off, and the me that feels like I'm failing miserably at raising my son.
I'm going to put it all out there and hope that someone might actually care, and just maybe that one person and I can get to know each other and not feel so alone in this crazy circus.
So, your invited to my life this week. I'm going to take pictures of it all. The good, the bad, and the wart! You can see how I really look when I roll out of bed in the morning and you can probably expect a couple mountains of laundry on the couch. Hopefully though, this little project just might motivate me to be a little more on top of things.
I would love to get to know more of you as well. If anyone wants to join me on your own blogs, I think it would be really validating as women and mothers to see that our lives really aren't so different from each other. And if a whole week seems overwhelming, well, I think even one day would be great.
I'll start my posts officially tomorrow night, but just to kick things off, here is a picture of two of my girls (wearing their brother's clothes) helping make dinner tonight. I am really proud of this picture because I have a hard time letting the kids help me with anything. I'm a little bit of a control freak!
I'm excited about this upcoming week. I'm also a little scared.