Caring For My Son With Special Needs {part two}

"Hope Develops in the crucible of experience if the right ingredients are present. Those ingredients include the following: Faith in God; righteous living; positive expectations; living with purpose; setting and working toward goals; initiating and sustaining personal effort; bridling thoughts, emotions, and behaviors; a willingness to tackle challenges; and competence in creating healthy relationships." Vaughn E Worthen

I could pretend like I was at a complete loss as to how to help my son and our family find peace, but the truth is that in the quiet corners of my mind there had always been a whisper that James needed to be home schooled. A thought that, to be completely honest, scared the crap out of me. So I continued to push those thoughts back into the deepest darkest corners every time they surfaced. I rationalized by telling myself that I couldn't handle it, and that only weird people home schooled their kids. I mean, who would actually choose to do that!

It turns out, I would. Sitting on the couch next to my 8 year old son while he sobbed about his horrible day at school, reminded me of my resolve all those years ago to do whatever it took for him to be OK.

Knowing what to do though and actually doing it are two completely different things, and I was still very scared! After having spent many a day simply dealing with him instead of enjoying being his mother, I was not sure at all if I had what it took to be with him not only all day long, but to teach him as well. And it was during one of those moments of how am I going to be able to do this, that another whispering thought came to mind. "How would you treat him if he had special needs?"

When I was really little in elementary school I used to love playing on the slide with the down syndrome kids at our school. They would come down with the biggest smile on their face and expect a hug from whoever was at the bottom waiting to catch them. You cannot be with one of those children and not feel love and warmth and it always made me so happy. I smiled thinking about the memory and in  a fraction of a second my attitude had changed.

I don't know if I can accurately describe what I felt in that moment, but it was like my heart had been transformed. I looked at him for the first time with new eyes and I no longer saw a problem to be dealt with or solved. I saw my sweet little boy who had special needs. Needs that were special and unique to only him, because he is special and unique. No other person in this world will ever think, feel, or act, the exact same way that he does. That understanding was the missing link for me.

Once I understood the how of how can I possibly do this, we got started the very next day. And approaching the task of teaching my son with the same tenderness and love I felt for those sweet kids on the playground has allowed me to open a door of patience that I never new existed. And although I know it will take time and possibly outside help from counselors to unravel exactly what all of his needs are, I am hopeful that he is on his way to a much happier and healthy life.

In less than two weeks he has already made strides in his reading that we expected to take months, he is more willing to help around the house when asked, has increased in self confidence, has shown concern for other's feelings, and has a hint of that sparkle back in his eye that has been missing for so long. And, not to brag, (OK maybe a little) he told me just yesterday that I am the best teacher ever!

Caring For My Son With Special Needs {part one}

No, my son is not autistic. He does not have down syndrome. I won't sit here and try to pretend that I know what it is like to be a mother to one of those sweet angels either. But I do want to tell you a story. A story about a huge wake up call.

8 years and 10 months ago my husband drove me through a snow storm, 2 hours away from our home to a hospital that treats high risk pregnancies. I was scheduled to be induced and nervously awaited the arrival of our 2nd child, a boy. My pregnancy by any standard was normal, however there was an unknown abnormality in the baby's abdomen that had shown up during my 20 week ultrasound. The worst case scenario (a name I can't remember) was a problem with his kidneys. The best case scenario was that cysts had formed on his intestines. Our Doctor was fairly certain it was the 2nd case, but wouldn't know for sure until after the delivery and tests were done. I was nervous and didn't sleep most of the night even after being given Ambien.

The next day I was given Pitocin and since I had arrived at the hospital already dilated to 4 cm, I was fairly certain this was going to be much easier than my first experience with birthing another human being! After my water broke however things started going wrong. The baby's heart rate would drop significantly with each contraction and after an hour of trying unsuccessfully to change the situation, I was wheeled in for a C-section. I remember at one point while the nurses were trying to get the babies heart rate up, the doctor came in and asked how I would feel about a C-section. All I said was "I don't care how he comes out." All I wanted was to have him out and to know that he was OK. And when I finally did hear his little cry for the first time, my own tears started spilling out. It's the only time I've ever cried when one of my children was born.

We were incredibly fortunate to find out the next day that our son did have a small cluster of cysts on his small intestine, but that his kidneys were in perfect working order. My little baby had surgery on only the 2nd day of his life, but recovered well and came home a week later. He nursed like a mad man, became the fattest thing I had ever seen and grew to become a little charmer.



There are so many details I could give over the next several years of his life, our lives, but this is all you really need to know. He had endless amounts of energy, I was young and frazzled, my husband was in medical school, and life became about survival. I survived by letting him watch cartoons for hours on end, by having our oldest daughter do all the cleaning up because she generally did it without complaint, and by eventually signing him up for preschool. Only, he hated preschool. He caused trouble almost every day and he would tell me every night that he didn't want to go to school the next morning. So, after 3 months I took him out and kept on surviving.

By the time kindergarten came around we had 3 children and I couldn't wait for the freedom that would come with having 2 kids in school all day. I love my kids of course, all of them, but I get overwhelmed easily and James was getting harder and harder. He teased his little sister constantly, made huge messes everywhere he went, could not follow the simplest of instructions, and argued about everything I asked him to do. So, even though he told me every night that he did not want to go to school in the morning, I said "Too bad, you have to."



First grade was a nightmare! He hated his teacher, and I'm pretty sure she didn't care for him much as well. It was sort of like a preschool re-run. I was constantly getting emails about what horrible thing James had done that day and every night he said "I don't want to go to school tomorrow."

Second grade was a tad bit better. His teacher was a sweet lady who had been teaching a very long time, and even though she had been our daughter Samm's teacher two years earlier, she never expected James to be exactly like his sister. She disciplined when necessary, but always gave the kids a chance for redemption during the course of the day. Homework really picked up this year though and after school became the nightmare. He would put in the least amount of effort possible to get the work done, and I got tired of fighting him so I didn't push him to try harder.

This year we were all excited. James included. He got the fun teacher. The one we were hoping would finally help him take off. After the first day of school he said "I can't wait to go to school again tomorrow!" By the third day though it was back to the same story of begging me not to make him go the next day. He liked his teacher, but he still hated school. And for the first time, he was dealing with social issues.

Aside from hating school and not being wanted during recess football, there have also been other problems. Issues I tried for over a year to pretend didn't exist. After years of being told "No. sit still. why cant you ever listen. what were you thinking." his sense of self worth had been all but squashed. I cannot even tell you the number of times he has threatened to run away because "no one loves me." or how many times he's said "I'm the worst boy ever." And most recently he has started asking me " what would happen if I jumped off a really tall building and died? what would you do?"

Do you have any idea what it's like to hear your child say something like that? How terrifying it is?

It Happens

Several years ago when the economy went downhill, my dad's business took a big hit. I remember talking to my mom about what they were doing to make ends meet and she mentioned that in order to save money on gas my youngest brother Shaun, who was then in high school, was having to ride the bus to school. I felt really bad that my parents had worked so hard and then were having to struggle all over again, but as one of the oldest siblings and having been raised during the poor years, I felt a smug satisfaction as I imagined my 17 year old brother sitting on a big yellow bus. The youngest kids are always so spoiled!

And the story is no different in my family. This little girl gets away with just about anything. She even stands on the table. (gasp) I haven't decided yet if it's really a matter of trial and error or if it's just that the older I get, the less energy I have to care about things like standing on tables or making huge water messes in the kitchen.

And Then I Had to Call Poison Control

Today is my Birthday! Did you know that? Today I am 32 and my favorite five year old photographer snapped this totally awesome photo of me so that I might always remember how I looked when I was 32.

My birthday started out great despite being up for four hours in the night with a little girl missing her fuzzy. My husband left me the sweetest note on my nightstand when he left for work, my daughter brought me breakfast in bed, and on the kitchen table were some beautiful flowers that a friend had dropped off late last night.

I did have to work a little this morning but that was fine. Then as I was trying to figure out what to feed the kids for lunch, Samm came downstairs with a bottle of Melatonin and informed me that Laila was eating it!

I called my husband first, but since Melatonin is a supplement and not a regulated drug he didn't have any info on it and said I would have to call poison control.

I don't know if you've ever had to call poison control before, but it's like the call of shame. "Hi, my child just ingested...because I wasn't paying close enough attention and it was within her reach. Will she live?" It's horrible. Thankfully this was only the 2nd time I've had to call for one of my own kids, but I did have to call once when I was babysitting my younger brother and he drank nail polish remover.

The good news is that Melatonin is pretty safe and Kim (a boy not a girl) told me to just watch her for an hour and then call him back. After an hour she wasn't showing any signs of side effects other than wanting to take her afternoon nap pretty badly, so he said not to worry about it.

I was secretly kind of hoping that the Melatonin would make her take a good long nap, but I guess my punishment for keeping sleep aids where a two year old can get into them was that she only slept for an hour.

I am grateful it wasn't anything worse. And the day still isn't over. I get to watch all three of my oldest kids in back to back to back baseball games. Family is all that matters!

 

 

A Resolve To Be Better

It’s 8:00 am and I’m sitting at my computer with the windows open breathing in the crisp, clean morning air of the country. The birds are chirping happily and if I listen carefully I can still hear a few crickets and frogs singing by the pond.  By some miracle all three of my children are still nestled snug in their beds hopefully dreaming of something wonderful.

And then my peace is interrupted by the sound of a 4 wheeler flying by.  (True story!)

Still, I find myself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude this morning.  My life has been richly blessed. I have a loving, kind husband, three beautiful girls whom I adore, a roof over my head and a view from my window that most people will never know. 

It seems impossible with so much beauty around me every day and so much to be thankful for that I can still have days like the one I had yesterday.  

I was recently diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, an auto immune disease that attacks the large intestine. This causes me to be extremely fatigued…pretty much all the time.  So whenever I wake up full of energy and ambition I try to put it to good use around the house.  Yesterday was no exception. I spent all morning cleaning the house. I picked up every room, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned bathrooms; I even went as far as cleaning out the fridge. I was so proud of myself.  By the time that was done it was lunch time. After lunch I was still feeling the unusual burst of energy and decided to tackle the upstairs craft room/storage room.

When I went upstairs I noticed that the door was open and that a few boxes of stuff that I had arranged a few days before had been thrown onto the floor in a big mess and the box was missing. It wasn't hard to guess who had done it or where the box was. (My girls love to play in boxes).

My anger at seeing the mess caused a reaction in me that I of course regretted later. I let the girls have it and told them they were not allowed in that room anymore. I even threatened to start throwing away their toys if they couldn't leave my stuff alone.  It was not one of my finer parenting moments.  My oldest daughter told me I was a “mean mom” and “never let [them] do what [they] want to do”.  I harshly replied that she could do a lot worse and I’m not that bad of a mom.  Oh, the irony. 

I spent several hours in that room, first cleaning up the mess they had made dumping out the boxes and then on to the rest.  When I finally got done organizing, and cleaning, and throwing stuff out I came downstairs proud that I had accomplished so much. When I rounded the corner I was shocked at the mess I discovered!

It doesn't take much to push me over the edge. This easily could have. But I had made a choice while I was working upstairs, a resolve if you will, to do better; to not let me temper get the best of me. I would prove to myself and my children that I was a good mom and to make sure they knew how much I loved them. So I calmly asked the girls to help me clean up the messes that were made so we could get started on dinner. And they did (with a little pushing of course).

By the time dinner was made and on the table my oldest was singing my praises and bragging to her sister that she would get to sit by me “the best, most wonderful mom in the world.”  After the way I had reacted earlier in the day I knew I didn't deserve it but I was so grateful to hear her say it.  My mom always said that the one thing she wanted with her kids more than anything was to make sure we knew she loved us. And we did. Now I’m hoping for the same thing. Despite all the bad parenting moments I hope the love my children feel is the thing they remember most. And I resolve again on this beautiful Tuesday morning to do better; to be better; and to remember how truly blessed I am. 

p.s. They are still asleep!

Swimming Lessons Trauma

Ava is 3 years old this summer and old enough to be in the preschool class for swimming lessons. She loves the water and loves to swim so I thought it would be a fun summer activity for her. The first day of lessons she was amazing. More than half of the kids in her class were crying when it was time for the mom's to leave but Ava did great. She gave me a hug and a kiss and said bye. I was so proud of her.

When we showed up for day #2 it was a different story. She wasn't happy about the shower she had to take (which they require of all kids who are getting in the pool) but once she was in the pool she was fine. Then half way through she started crying hysterically. Through the fence I was tying to talk to her and calm her down only to find out she had to go to the bathroom. My guess is she was cying because she didn't know what to do or who to tell. So we took care of that and she was fine.

Day #3 She started crying before we even left the house and cried a large portion of the class. What I came to find out in trying to talk to her and calm her down is that she is scared of the shower. She takes baths at home because she doesn't like showers and apparently the first day of class the teachers took them to the showers and they just shoved her in and got her face all wet and basically just scared her. she hated it. The teachers eventually got her calmed down but when day #4 came she was hysterical when I said it was time for simming lessons. For some reason I felt especially bad so I decided to let her stay home.

Today was day #5. As of this morning I was undecided whether or not I would make her go so I asked Chris. At first he hemmed and hawed but decided that yes we should make her go.  So I did. When we got there we rinsed off in the sink instead of the shower which eliminated most of the crying. There was a little bit of whimpering when I dropped her off but then she was fine for the rest of class.

So my question is, do you make your children face their fears? Was it wrong of me to force her to go even though she said she didn't want to? Would you have let your child stay home?

Good Behavior Revisited

For every day the last few months that I have dreamed of lazy summer days, there were just as many days that I was dreading it. On the one hand I wouldn't have to wake up to an alarm every morning to make lunches and get everyone on the bus with the right shoes for gym or books to return to the library. On the other hand, it would be endless days of three children annoying each other and fighting because they were bored. Last summer was particularly long for us (my kids were out of school for an extra month!) and after some behavior problems from my son this year (remember this post) I wasn't really sure what to expect.

Just this past Saturday we were driving in the car as a family and my husband said to me "Have you noticed how much better James' behavior has been lately?"

I really hadn't thought stopped long enough to think about it, but it is true. Where I used to ask for help and either be completely ignored or told "I don't want to!" I usually hear "OK mom."

And even though I have implemented several changes like trying to do more Love and Logic techniques and following though on my threats of punishment. The big change has really taken place since we started our good behavior jars.


I can't say enough about how anyone dealing with a less than cooperative child should try this. It really is true that a little bit of positive reinforcement is so much more effective than any punishment.

Suddenly summer isn't looking so bad!

My 8 Year Old Has An I Pod Touch

My blogging is going to be very brief this morning. We are out of cheese at our house, which is pretty much the only thing that warrants an emergency trip to the grocery store. Milk usually does too, but only because if we don't have milk for cereal in the morning than I have to make pancakes. Cheese however is a necessity that cannot be lived without. And I'm starting to get a little nervous because so far both of my girls have been extremely intolerant to dairy as babies and I don't know if I have it in me to completely cut dairy out of my diet again when this baby comes.

So, last week my husband decided that his I phone was ancient and he needed an upgrade. After we left the AT&T store he decided that instead of getting rid of his old phone that he would give it to our daughter Samm to use as an I Pod, since the cheap mp3 player we bought her for Christmas broke after only a few months.

After She got home from school he gave her the phone and just said "Here, you can use this as an I Pod now."

She got really excited and said "You mean I get to have my very own I Pod Touch!!!"

Honestly, I was a little shocked by her response. Are there really that many other 8 year olds out there with an I Pod Touch that she would know what one is?

And, am I really a horrible parent because I still have not bought my son a DS and he has been asking for one for the last three years? The check out lady at TJ Maxx last Christmas thought so!

Doctor Knows Best?

When I lived in Denver I had an amazing pediatrician. I loved him. The first time I saw him after Ava was born he had weighed her to see if she'd gained weight from birth and he said to me "Well, we know momma's factory is working good!" I knew right then that I loved him.

Eight months later when we moved west I had to start all over again. At first I thought the group of doctors I had found were okay. But the more often I went and the more invasive they became the less and less I liked them. They started asking so many questions that I felt like were none of their business and I found myself feeling like I needed to lie to them (like I was afraid they'd call child services on me if I answered wrong). Okay, not that bad, I knew they wouldn't call child services but I didn't like it.  My dislike of them was confirmed when my sister-in-law told me of her experience with one of the doctors dropping the pants on her 5 year old son without so much as a "hey, is it okay if we do this now?" or anything. Just yanked 'em down. Poor kid.

So here's my dilemma. Do you lie to your doctor too? Is it just me? Does anyone think there is a legitimate reason they ask the questions they do and that I should be totally honest about the fact that no, I don't put sunscreen on my child every time we walk out the door. (Sorry but the only time my kids wear sunscreen is if we will be outside for an extended period of time.) By the way, last time I was there I did give them a totally honest answer about the sunscreen and they were not happy with me. This is why I lie, to avoid the unnecessary discussion about why it's important, blah blah blah. 

I'm tempted to just say "sorry, but I don't think that's any of your business" and see what happens. Would you?

Good Behavior Jars

First of all let me apologize for being so late with this post today. After trying to log in last night and all morning without any luck I finally gave up and went to run errands. Sometimes I really don't love Blogger. And secondly, I really want to thank you all again for your great advice from THIS post. I read all the comments several times and after talking to several other of my Mom friends I decided the first thing we needed to do was stop focusing on his negative behavior so much and really praise him when he does listen. I also obtained a copy of Love and Logic from a friend and I am excited to get into it.

A lot of people suggested sticker charts for good behavior, but I'm really not a chart person at all. I hate creating them and for some reason we always forget about them after a week. I like the idea of them though, because the kids actually get to see their progress, so instead of a chart I decided to go with jars that they can put glass stones in and still see how they are progressing.



I picked up these three jars from Michaels and unfortunately they were not on sale so I ended up paying five dollars a jar which I normally would never do. I was in such a hurry to get started with them though that I didn't want to wait. I also had to buy a bag of decorative stones for another six dollars, but the vinyl letters I already had at home so at least one part of them was free. I actually debated between the stones and something soft like those craft puff ball things, but since they are on top of the piano in our living room, I wanted something that could blend in as decor.


Even though it's only been a couple of days the jars are filling up pretty quickly. And the reward for getting the jars filled up is a date with Mom or Dad to get a doughnut, that way we can give lots of stones for good behavior and not worry about breaking the bank.

Thanks again for all your help!

Lost and Found and Please Help

I hope all of you women had a wonderful Mother's Day yesterday. Breakfast in bed, no fighting from your children, and a delicious meal cooked by your husband. OK, back to reality. I hope you had at least a few moments when you felt loved and appreciated. My day was pretty much the same as every other Sunday. My husband was at work which means I got to bath and feed and clean up after three children and get us all to church on time. My oldest daughter did wake me up at 6:45 for a special bowl of bananas sprinkled with sugar and my husband brought me home a pretty azalea plant so I did feel very loved. Today I also felt very blessed. I don't always remember how lucky I am to be a mother, but after this week I looked at Mother's Day in a new way.

I won't give you the long drawn out version of the story, but basically on Thursday my son was supposed to be playing outside with his sisters and a neighbor friend only when I went out to check on them he was gone. I didn't panic right at first because I figured he had gone back to the park behind our house even though I had previously told him three times that he was not allowed to. After checking the park and several other neighbors houses I did start to panic. I called my husband who left work immediately and enlisted the help of a few neighbors who were already outside to help me search. I'm not sure how long it actually was that he was gone, because in my mind it seemed like an eternity, but I think after about 30 minutes is when our 12 year old neighbor found him. He was only 4 houses down from us and still in our little circle, but he was in someones backyard that I had never met, who only have one little boy that is several years younger than my son which is why I didn't think to look there.

Now, don't think this is the first time I have ever lost one of my children. It seems to happen to me a lot. I'm not sure if I'm just not very watchful or if my children just wander off more than most kids, or possibly a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I have definitely experienced this type of panic before, but never to that degree. I was so scared by the time that we found him that I didn't even have it in me to yell at him for wandering off without telling me and going over to a strangers house, although in his mind it wasn't a stranger because apparently my kids have met the little boy before while playing outside.

It was those feelings, still so fresh in my mind and heart that kept me feeling grateful all day yesterday. It didn't matter how many arguments I had to referee or spills I had to clean up, I kept reminding myself that I was blessed and happy.

I can't imagine my life without this handsome boy, but I have also reached my breaking point. I don't know what to do with him any more and I feel completely helpless. He isn't bad or mean, he just won't listen. And it's not just me he won't listen to. I get complaints from his teacher at church and both of the parent teacher conferences I have had with his school teacher have focused on his lack of following directions, talking too much, and talking back. Just last week his teacher sent me an email asking me to have a talk with him because it is getting worse.

I actually laughed when I read the email because I was thinking "You want me to talk with him? WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO EVERY DAY!" We have already taken away his video games, and I've been trying to praise him more when he does listen, but nothing is helping. Last night I asked him to clear a bowl for me from the dinner table and he just stood there ignoring me, and when I said his name again more sharply he said "what? I don't want to."

Help!!!

Do you have a child like this? Have you raised a child like this? My husband and I are completely lost. After last night my husband jokingly said "maybe I just need to give him a good beating every day." And even though we would never do it, that is where our frustration level is right now. We have simply run out of ideas.

What do we do?

I Survived A 3 Day Weekend...

In Michigan, in the middle of winter! Without the McDonald's play place. Which honestly is the last place I would ever want to be on a day when school is out.

So, it does help that I have an 8 year old who can pretty much entertain herself and her brother and sister for hours on end (if she is in the mood for it). But there was a time in my life when I felt like all I was doing was entertaining kids all day. And I still do to some extent because I still have a 3 year old at home. And I'm just going to admit right now to the entire blogging world, that playing pretend with my kids is NOT my favorite thing in the world to do. Somewhere along the way I lost my imagination and sometimes a ten minute tea party is the equivalent of watching golf on T.V. I'd rather wax my upper lip!

OK, so I know some of you might love getting on the floor and playing cars with your little boys, but for the rest of us, here are a few things that I've found to be great boredom breakers, and can give Mom a few minutes to shower or fold some laundry without helpers.

1) A package of dry beans, and some pots, cups, and large spoons. Set your kiddos up on the kitchen floor and watch them spend an hour dumping pouring and stirring beans. You'll probably also see beans flying in every which direction, but they sweep up easily! I used to have a special bag of dried pinto beans just for this game. When they were done we put them all back in the bag for next time. Just don't forget which ones are for playing with and which ones are for eating!

2) Colors in the sink. My youngest still asks for this one all the time. We put a few big bowls or pots in the sink and fill them with soapy water, then add a few drops of food coloring to each bowl. Give them some cups and spoons to play with, just don't forget to put a towel on the floor!

3) Make a fort. Sometimes we pull out the kitchen chairs and throw a blanket on top, and some times we pull out the hide a bed from the couch and they crawl under there. Either way, we always make sure to have a few flashlights involved and this is one of the only times I let them take a snack out of the kitchen. Anything to make the game last longer!

4) Make a train. Next time your kids are bored, pull out all your kitchen chairs and line them up in the living room, and see how long it takes for them to make it into a train. This is one of the few games I don't mind playing for a few minutes, as long as my stop is somewhere like "in the kitchen so I can load the dishwasher."

5) I think popcorn and a movie go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Sometimes we do 2!

6) Dress up clothes. If you don't already have some, start investing! They don't have to be store bought either. I've made a lot of ours as Halloween costumes and after Halloween they hit the dress up box. When we were little my Mom actually collected fun stuff she found at garage sales or vintage stuff my Grandma gave her, and that's what we dressed up in. The best way to get your kids wearing them is to watch a movie together and then show them how to make themselves into the movie characters. Yesterday I told the kids we were going to see Tangled after Dad got home from work and suddenly they just had to find our Rapunzel costume at the bottom of the dress up box.

Tinkerbell was there too.

This game of climbing Rapunzel's hair lasted a lot longer than I ever would have thought possible.

If any one has any other great ideas I can implement on our next three day weekend, please share. We have another one next week!

Eating Adult

I am so excited about our post today! A couple of months ago I was stressing about how my girls were eating and was getting so frustrated. In an effort to vent I posted something about it on facebook. My friend Tiffany replied back with some excellent advice for me. Tiffany is the mom of two adorable girls who also juggles work and going to school. I'm so glad that she agreed to take some time out of her enourmously busy life to come here and do a guest post for us today with advice on getting your kids to eat.

Hi! I am so excited to be posting here on The Best Me. I was headed over to my good friend’s house for dinner the other night. He cautioned me before we showed up, “I don’t know what your kids will eat, but we eat adult around here.” It is my firm belief that kids should eat like adults. Moms should not have to make separate food or dinners for their kids just to get them to eat. It is getting them to that point that can be tricky. If you start healthy eating habits and routines when they are young, just starting solid foods, it is much easier to continue those on throughout their childhood.

I am not a nutritionist, or child psychologist, or really qualified to talk on this subject in any way. I am just a mom. I have two little girls who love to eat. I hope that some of the things I share today will be helpful to any of you who struggle to get your children to eat adult.

There are just a couple of rules that I live by as a mom:

1. Communication is key
2. Some battles are not worth winning
3. “A person is a person no matter how small”

I apply these rules to all aspects of mothering, but I’ll explain how they apply to getting your child to eat.

Communication is Key

Even as a six month old infant, my second daughter did not like bland food. I could not get her to eat baby food for anything. She would lick the spoon once, and then refuse to eat whatever I was offering. After talking with my pediatrician, she suggested adding salt, or other spices to her baby food. Her specific comment was “even infants have taste buds, and have you ever tasted baby food? It is gross.” After experimenting with everything from salt and pepper to Italian seasoning and allspice, I finally pulled out the last spice I would have ever expected to use, Cayenne pepper. That did the trick, a little sprinkling of it and she could not eat the baby food fast enough.

If I had been watching for her signals, and really communicating with my daughter, I could have seen sooner that the issue was not unwillingness to eat; it was just gross food I was giving her. Can you blame her? Communicating with your child often takes time and a lot of patience, but it is worth it in the end. When they know you are trying to understand, and you are teaching them to recognize and verbalize the emotions they are feeling, life gets so much easier.

Some Battles are not Worth Winning

My pediatrician told me when I was a young new mom not to expect my daughter to eat more than a half cup of food at any given period. My in-laws were skeptical of this, and even accused me of starving my child when I only dished her up two tablespoons of mashed potatoes and green beans, and a small piece of ham. However, while they were still fighting with their child to finish off the food on their plates, my daughter had finished eating all on her own. Sure she was hungry again a couple hours later, but she was happy to come back and eat more – seconds are always encouraged. The dinner table has never been a source of contention at my home. I make sure that each of my girls eats a healthy balanced diet, but not all at once.

On a side note, I am not a huge fan of nutrition-less snacks, or empty calories. I make sure that when they are hungry, we have an array of healthy choices to choose from. Sure we still have cookies, crackers, and other goodies around the house, I’m not a complete tyrant, but I always offer the healthy choices first: applesauce, carrots, muffins, a sandwich, leftovers from dinner, etc.

“A Person is a Person, no Matter How Small”

Sometimes the self-imposed food strikes at my house are because someone is getting sick, in which case I do not want to force them to eat. Your child really does know their body better than you do. Sometimes they really are not hungry. When I was worried about how little my daughter ate, my pediatrician told me not to worry about it, kids will not starve themselves.

More often, these food strikes are simply because they feel the need to control some aspect of their short little lives. I can completely relate to this, as I am sure you all can. The solution to this issue is simply to give them some control.

I will take my girls to the grocery store, and give them five or six options of foods or meals that I can live with for lunch, and then let them pick two or three that they want to have. Then when lunch time rolls around they know which of those items they want for lunch before I even ask; sometimes planning days in advance.

For dinners, I will pull out the recipe book and ask them what they’d like, “should we have chicken and rice tonight, or soup and rolls?” The choice is always between two options that I would be happy to make, never just a blanket statement of, “What would you like for dinner?” With multiple children this can become more difficult to accomplish, but with my girls I just tell them if they can’t agree then mommy is going to choose; after which they quickly come to a compromise.

One more thing I want to mention. I firmly believe every mom should have a pediatrician that they respect, and can talk to about any problem. I did not have a good pediatrician with my first daughter, and it was rough going. As you probably noticed, I reference my pediatrician a lot. She has helped us through some really difficult phases, and has given me great advice specific to my children. I would encourage all of you, if you do not have a pediatrician that you absolutely love, shop around a bit and see if you can find one in your area, on your insurance plan, that you can develop a good relationship with.

I really hope that at least some of this information has been helpful. Like I said before, I’m not technically qualified on any of this, but these are the things that have worked for me and my girls.

Happy Eating!

Thanks Tiffany! Words of wisdom as only a mom could give!

Today's simple reminder

Sometimes I forget that my kids have the same feelings as I do. I know that sounds terrible, but I forget that if I were in their shoes and someone yelled at me for bad behavior I would probably feel mad, defensive, and embarrassed. Sometimes I forget that they have tender little hearts that need love and encouragement instead of harsh words.

Yesterday I got yelled at. In public. From a complete stranger. I won't re-tell the story since I already posted about it here, but I am actually a little grateful for the experience. I know it sounds strange since I walked out of the store and cried because I was so upset, but the first thing I thought about when I finally collected myself was "this must be what my kids feel like when I'm unjustly hard on them." I never ever want my children to feel that way because of me.

That experience and that thought is what saved me from completely loosing it later that same day when I had to take all 3 of my kids to the fabric store.

Sometimes, we really are given exactly what we need, even if it doesn't seem like a blessing at the time.

Oh! You're a Lefty!

In the LDS community we often talk about "Eternal Families" and "Families Can Be Together Forever." Though I value family more than anything in the world, some days it's the last thing I want to think about.
Yesterday was one of those days (at least the first half). I spent all morning listening to and trying to deal with the crying. It seemed like if one of my girls was happy the other one was crying. Sometimes (a lot of the time) both at the same time. After listening to the crying all morning I have to admit I was losing it a little and getting on edge. Trying to keep the girls entertained so I could do the other things that needed to be done I sat Ava up to the table to paint. Which she loved.
Then she spilled the dirty cup of water that I had been letting her use to wet her paints all over the table, herself, the chair, and the floor. Needless to say I had reached the end of my patience and she got in trouble. After a lot more tears and me repeatedly saying "You have to be more careful!" and "Don't spill the water or you won't be able to paint" I set her back up to the table so she could keep painting. As I set the paints, paintbrush, and water cup up for her and watched her reach awkwardly for the supplies I realized something important. Ava is left-handed. I put the paints and things on her right side. She was reaching awkwardly because she was reaching with her left hand to get the paint and water on her right. Which is why she spilled the water to begin with!
The realization came as an "ah-hah" moment and I was able to quickly rectify the situation (an apology included). It got me thinking though. The water spill could have been easily avoided had I been more aware of Ava and her needs. And the question became "how many times have I been upset with her over something that was really my fault, or could have been avoided had I been more thoughtful?"
I am now more aware than ever that she is a lefty. There will be many things in life that will be more difficult for me to teach her because of this difference between us. Hopeful I will be able to use those experiences to make us closer. Not push us apart.
The second half of the day was better and of course I am ever grateful that "Families Can Be Together Forever."